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15 February 2006 @ 12:10 pm
Well it's wednesday and im feeling unusually good. I've reorganised my wardrobe and im ready to go to school looking good. I've decided i've gotta stop feeling so sorry for myself and if i wajnt stuff to happen then it's up to me to make it happen. I could also be happy because i got 2 valentines cards and i don't care if their fake they make me feel good.
Had a good chat with mom and step dad last night they are so cool they understand everything!
Listening to PCD so that's putting me in a good mood the only thing im fretting about is my history homework but hey who needs History?
Gotta clean up in a minute then im gonna chill out with a good movie and i think i deserve a bit of choc in my system.
See Ya!
Current Mood: bouncybouncy
Current Music: PCD- Beep
09 February 2006 @ 04:33 pm
Yes i realise i did'nt keep to my promise but i am peed off to the extreme, had a great day today, last day of the term got a whole week off then i finished school to find my mom's ill. I thouht ok i'll look after her went to sainsburys and theres an offer on dvds so i got some, 'wheres your money then' i'll give it you when i get my card, 'where's your card' well it's at home. 'thats twice you've got them so that's 30 quid you owe me!' ok. I was really annoyed because i was goona pay her back but because she's ill she's taking everything out on me. She's gone to bed now so im gonna sit downstairs and watch my new dvd. Oh plus im meant to be stopping at my dads on saturday for a takeaway with some of my cousins, my dad, step-mom, bro and sis. But my dad's always disliked my one cousin andis determined to get everyone else to dislike him so much so that my step-mums not allowed near him- he has gone completely pshyco (if thats how you spell it) sometimes i think im the only sane one out of my family. HELP!
Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
Current Music: Linkin Park
06 February 2006 @ 04:51 pm
Got in today and realised it had been so long since i last wrote in here, well life's going ok i guess apart from slight little worries im getting by, not gonna say im great in case i jinx myself.
Got a lot of work to do this half term, got a second part to my coursework to complete-FUN *she says looking severly depressed*
Got a new found love it's called the Fast and the furious i love that film and i have added a new icon to my collection of idols- Michelle Rodriguez she's an amazing actress who has the profession that could one day be mine.
Im gonna go will write back later tonight.
Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: Ja Rule
26 January 2006 @ 07:11 pm
My word it's been almost a week since i've written in here you can tell i've not been at home much, NO im feeling much better raring and ready to go however that does not stop me waiting for my big break (whenever it's ready).
So much has happened i've discovered that i've got some real precious friends in my life, friends i only thought existed in films and on TV im just waiting for me to do something wrong which is usually what happens. Im doing well and have'nt had a vodka all week although im out tonight so who knows im determined to stay strong.
Bad news of the week, my grandads going in hospital on the 6th Febuary to have an op on his leg and my nan's heart rate is sky high so she's had to have an epidural today which of course has made me worry like hell, but it's made me annoyed because no-one had bothered to tell me that she was ill- that's my family for you.
Got to write a new English coursework piece which is slowly but surely worrying the hell out of me and my forms got to do an assembly in febuary which im freakin out about because i know half of them won't even do it!
Well i think that's let some of my anger out! Oh and i've found out that one of my hot mates from outside school actually likes me!YAY! finally and we are all out on saturday night so fingers crossed sparks could fly.
Well i've gotta go need to squeeze myself in my jeans now.
Current Mood: amusedamused
Current Music: 50 cent
21 January 2006 @ 01:41 pm
W0W are'nt you all lucky 2 extracts in one day. well i've had one week off school and just got off the phone with my dad who likes to refer to himself as 'Daddy' a name i've hated even as a child. He says I don't sound my usual bubbly self (is'nt everyone entitled to an off day?), then i made the fatal mistake of saying i was run down his reply was Why what are you run down for is everything ok blah blah blah.... a continuation of questions, i've told him i sorted it out with my mom, which then sparked him to ask was it to do with you and your mom, have i done something wrong ( yeah asking stupid questions) in which i said no, is it boy trouble, girls problems everything i never wanted to hear come from my dad's mouth! After denying every question and repeating 4 times that everything is fine and sorted but that did'nt stop him harping on that 'Daddy will always be here' etc that sparked me to snap back saying your not daddy to me anymore that put his nose out of joint and told me to relax and carry on with my cleaning- so i did. God why are men particularly dad's such a pain in the ass. Can't wait for that big break now would be good.
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
Current Music: lay your hands
21 January 2006 @ 11:40 am
Oh My God i can't believe i have been so stupid!!! I've wrote all these diary extracts saying how i really feel pouring out my inner most thoughts and it's only just clicked that half my friends that have a life journal could be reading this how stupid can you get. Right stress mode over, i've decided not to care if they do read this then maybe they might not think im that strange after all, i hope.
Im back to school on monday and ready to be stressed some more with the work i've missed out on. Theres powerpoints, coursework plans and everything you could never wish for, although i have enjoyed my time off, my mom said i was probably run down and we had a long chat about my life. I've made some decisions and decided to sit my first year out and see how it goes whether i take A2 is something else. Im going to get myself a proper social life which includes me getting a part time job which im pretty excited about also i plan to get a hobbie im not sure what but it will be away from school so i have a chance to build up some self esteem and confidence, im contemplating yoga, kick boxing or something else.
When i go back to school my plan is to make amends wth my friends that i've lost contact with and try to intergrate with all of them. Im going to try and buckle down with my work especially media and maybe make a success of my grades.
Im still adament of leaving the UK asap the more i stay here the more i resent it I just need some big break to come my way hopefully sooner than later.
Anyway im going to go and do some cleaning and make some more plans in my head.
Current Mood: weirdweird
Current Music: under your spell
19 January 2006 @ 10:31 am
Had yesterday and today off school still feel like crap, all my muscles ahe like mad i just want to sleep. I remember when i used to want to stay at home all day but you don't realise how boring it can be. I've decided to do something not very Lauren like, im going to delve into the world of witchcraft. I've always been interested in it but never had the guts but now i think what have i got to lose.
Got my planning head on today, i might not have a lot of strength but i'll be damned if im bed ridden today, i need to do something. Im going out of my head in boredom.
My mom said i need to make some more friends and get out into the world instea of being cooped up in the house, she said i should get a job or somthing which i ssuppose is true, it's just i don't know how to do it. I've been to a girls school for over 5 years now and i've grown used to having lads as boyfriends and girls as friends, so how exactly do i make new ones.
Keep having these really strange dreams and don't like them, i see myself peering through a door listening to all my friends gathered in a circle bitching about me and now it's playing on my mind. So it's making me determined to succeed now. When im better im going to go out and make the most of life. Im tired of being paranoid and worried all the time, not to mention depressed constantly, im going to meet new people and have a great time. I've got a party to go to soon perhaps i'll meet some people there who knows?
All i know is that having all this time off has given me somethings to think about.
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: Aqualung
17 January 2006 @ 07:10 pm
Went to school today in hopes of gaining some energy and it worked for 5 seconds then all i wanted was my bed, doubt i'll go in tomorrow. Fed up it seems everyone's relying on me i think it's about time i started to rely on others a bit more, im not superwoman.
Waste of time going in today because whatever information i was meant to learn, i never i was too busy tyring to get rid of this mind numbing headache which seems to be hanging over my eyes, i can't read properly an the only phrase i can master is, Leave Me Alone!
Im feeling ok at the minute but in about an hours time the ibuprofen will wear off and i'll be on the warpath.
Im scaring myself slightly, because im really eager to learn about witchcraft it feels weird but every where i go im drawn to magic and it's not that im watching too much Buffy and Angel, im actually obsessed with the whole spiritual side of life.
Feel like i have to pretend everyday to be someone just to please others, there's the dopey Lauren to make others laugh, the grown-up Lauren to give a good impression, and then theres the welcome mat Lauren ready to be walked all over. Everytime i want to say what i feel or be who i want to be something or someone always stands in my way, that's why im so eager to leave school, leave England and start a new life away from everyone i know like that audition i wa soffered i turned it down, one because it was in Edinburgh and two because when i mentioned it there was no enthusiasm, no one saying good for you, when are you going all i got was a polite smile form my mom who i know doesn't want me to leave home until im at least 30 im just not like that. I sometimes feel that i was adopted all of my family seem to want to huddle together i just want to go. At the minute my dream occupation is to work i the media which is true i guess, but i'd like to work in front of the camera although everytime i try to say that to my friends and family i picture their faces- hiding their laughter. God i'd just love to prove everyone wrong and show them all the real side of me, that's why i'll probably never be famous the only confidence i've got is the front i put up for school and leaves something to be desired.
What's a girl to do eh?
Current Mood: blankblank
Current Music: Advertising Space
16 January 2006 @ 04:59 pm
Today was ok i guess, confined to my sick bed eating or should i say drinking a cuppa soup. Yes im ill but will probably be in school tomorrow, i've spent the whole day watching episode after episode of Buffy and Angel plus taking a little break to nap and check emails. Got an email from the casting agency, thats all the way in edinburgh they said they could reschedule another audition for me, but how am i suposed to get to Edinburgh I might as well face the facts im never going to be famous, never have a lot of money and never have a bright future, some people are born with that privelige and destiny, looks like im not one of those people.
I've been thinking way too much today, i mean im even starting to contemplate staying on at school, then my mood changes and i think im going to fail school and will have to drop out anyway, then i go into these babbling fits which i think im doing right now, God i need some rest you'd think after over 4 hours extra sleep i would be feeling just a little bit better, but oh no not me.
My friends been texting me which is great but today's made me realise i did'nt miss college at all, i mean the thought of it made me feel sick so what does that say about my future there if can't stand it. I've grown a resentment for half of my lessons and some of the people there not to mention i don't think i'll do well there so what's the point, or is there any point at all as to why i should be there?
I've clearly had too much time on my hands, and if it was'nt for the fact that i feel like crap i reckon today could have been great.
Current Mood: groggygroggy
Current Music: Hepburn- I quit
15 January 2006 @ 12:06 pm
Things are starting to look up, okay i feel like crap but i've just been sent an email inviting me to attend an audition for a film, only trouble is it's in edinburgh so i've asked if i could send a video audition, fingers crossed. What's the betting i've jinxed it now and i won't have a part in it. Oh well i can still dream.
who knows i could be the next Jean Harlow......i wish!
Current Mood: artistic
Current Music: Jamie Cullum